Being Transgender Is Not a Phase
Just because they’re a teenager, Mom and Dad, doesn’t mean it’s a phase.
Many times when a teenager or preteen comes out as transgender it can come as a shock to their parents. But don’t allow that shock to dictate your reaction or acceptance.
There are many misconceptions and myths about being transgender. Hopefully, this list will help alleviate some of your worries and concerns as well as illuminate your minds and hearts to accept and support your transgender teenager.
If my kid is transgender wouldn’t they have known at a much earlier age?
Contrary to popular belief, not all transgender kids come out at very young ages. Although it has been documented that children as young as five years old have expressed being transgender, I think it’s more common for transgender kids to come out around the time they hit puberty.
Don’t confuse this timing with teenaged angst. It has much more to do with the influx of hormones and personal awareness of their bodies. Being a teenager means sorting through your own emotions and learning who you truly are inside. Your gender identity and sexuality are just beginning to blossom. You’re learning and exploring what it means to live as your most authentic self.
But there were never any signs.
Kids can worry about whether their family and friends will accept them with this personal caveat that society deems ‘abnormal.’ They might be concerned whether they will still be loved and consequently avoid dealing with their true feelings regarding their gender. They may choose not to share their ideas and questions surrounding gender with anyone.
If how you felt didn’t remotely match what you saw in the mirror — or how you knew everyone else saw you — it would be scary to acknowledge those feelings and share them with anyone. You might feel safer keeping those confusing feelings to yourself.
Your teenager has probably been thinking about their gender identity for a while now. If it’s a shock to you, it’s only because you haven’t been considering it for as long or maybe at all.
But my kid is a girl who likes girly things. She wears makeup and dresses.
Gender expression is a spectrum and does not need to match some stereotypical presentation of masculine or feminine. We do not live in a binary world where everything can be categorized as either male or female, gay or straight.
Correlating objects such as clothing and makeup to specific male or female genders limits our ability to understand gender expression, gender identity, and sexual orientation. There is no wrong or right way to convey one’s feelings regarding their personal gender.
Just because your kid’s biological sex is female, doesn’t mean being transgender equates them to identifying as male. There are many genders under the transgender umbrella: nonbinary, genderfluid, transmale, transfemale, agender.
Being transgender can mean many different things and consequently, be expressed in different ways. Whether that means dresses and lipstick, or binders and cowboy boots is completely up to how your transgender teen feels best expressing their gender.
Acting transgender is just the latest trend my teenager is using for attention.
Being transgender is not a trend. It is a gender identity that has had a lot of media attention and social discussion surrounding it. Because of discrimination and violence toward those who identify as transgender, as well as influential individuals who have stepped forward to live openly as transgender, many people think being transgender is something new.
According to a survey from the Williams Institute done in 2016, approximately 1.4 million U.S. adults identify as transgender. That was four years ago. Trends don’t last that long.
First, my kid came out as gay. Now, transgender. I think they’re just confused.
Have you considered your kid might be both gay and transgender? It’s possible. Gender identity and sexual orientation are two completely different things.
Or maybe your teen was just testing your reaction when they came out as gay because they were terrified to tell you they’re transgender. Maybe they’re still learning who they truly are as an individual and didn’t have it all figured out yet. It can be difficult to find the right words to express feelings about yourself that you don’t fully understand yet.
Regardless of how accurate they interpreted their feelings then or now, your kid felt comfortable enough to talk to you about it. Allowing them the grace they need to explore who they are and how they feel they fit into this world is the important takeaway here.
It has to be confusing to feel like your gender doesn’t align with your biological sex. It would take a huge amount of courage to express those feelings to others. And it would be difficult to explain something you don’t fully understand yourself.
If your teenager has told you they feel they are transgender, believe them. Don’t disregard their feelings as a phase they’ll grow out of. They’ve trusted you enough to share their authenticity. It’s your turn to trust them enough to accept them for who they are.
Transgender youth are much more likely to consider and attempt suicide than their cisgender peers. Your support might be the only thing that keeps them from becoming part of the statistics surrounding transgender youth. The odds are already stacked against them. Accept them and love them for who they are.
Zada Kent is co-founder of LGBTQueer-ies and proud parent to her transgender son. Here are 10 Questions Every Parent Should Ask Their Transgender Teen.
